I remember when the tooth ache started.
First I’d manage with two painkillers a day.
But weeks, even months, went by and 10 pills would make the pain go away for only an hour or two.
I am not afraid of all the tools the dentist will put in my mouth, but the bill afterwards makes me weep.
On a vacation in Bosnia I knew I had to take my chance.
Turns out, 7 cavities and 1 root canal treatment had to be done.
The price was reasonable, so I let the dentist do her magic.
Within minutes the Anesthesia started working.
I felt the sweet relieve from the pain.
It was wonderful, that feeling of numbness.
For years I have been struggling with my OCD.
One of my first obsessions were numbers.
Some numbers were evil. Others bareable.
Only a few were good.
So I started implementing these numbers in my daily life.
How many pieces of bread I could eat.
How many times a day I was allowed to go to the toilet.
How many times I had to shower and clean the house.
And if something, ANYTHING, in my routine wouldn’t go according to plan, I would throw away everything in my fridge or the clothes I was wearing at that moment.
And I could start from scratch.
This had a huge effect on my mental and physical state, but also financially.
Some times I would buy 5 of the exact same pants and shirts, because I knew I would have to throw them away after each workday.
Not to mention how extremely time and energy consuming it is.
We need to raise awareness, yes.
But how on earth can you explain this phenomenon?
And even worse, the reasons behind it.
Because you heard a certain word, song or number that triggered you and made you do all that.
OCD doesn’t only affect you, but also those around you.
I have often told Jasper that I would understand if he’d seek an easier life, without me.
I believe in love, but life also has to be bearable.
The fact that he is still with me, means a lot.
And this year I finally gave in to seek medical help.
The doctor’s appointment were not a huge success, because the man just told me “smiling is not a crime, you know?”.
I would sit through those sessions only because I knew the reward: medication.
I started off with medication that helped immediately.
That awesome feeling of numbness came back again.
But I could enjoy these only for a month because it was too easy to get addicted to them.
The next medication took longer to get used to.
2 months of constant nausea finally were worth it when I felt myself getting calmer.
My emotions were more in balance.
Jasper did say he missed me laughing, so the pills did not only take away the bad emotions, unfortunately.
I have accepted that I won’t be able to have a life without medication.
And I know my OCD will never completely dissappear.
I still clean, count and throw stuff away.
But it’s less. Way less.
I try to stay aware for OCD signs of those around me.
When a colleague said “Let me just put this pen back where it belongs. My OCD, you know?”, I took it a bit too serious
I was on the verge of sharing my story.
But I noticed quickly that he doesn’t have OCD, but just cleans up after himself.
Do you have OCD?
Have you tried medication? And is it working?
Do you have your OCD radar on for those around you?
Has anyone ever told you about their OCD? What was your reaction?