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My OCD story

I remember when the tooth ache started.
First I’d manage with two painkillers a day.
But weeks, even months, went by and 10 pills would make the pain go away for only an hour or two.
I am not afraid of all the tools the dentist will put in my mouth, but the bill afterwards makes me weep.

On a vacation in Bosnia I knew I had to take my chance.
Turns out, 7 cavities and 1 root canal treatment had to be done.
The price was reasonable, so I let the dentist do her magic.
Within minutes the Anesthesia started working.
I felt the sweet relieve from the pain.

It was wonderful, that feeling of numbness.

For years I  have been struggling with my OCD.
One of my first obsessions were numbers.
Some numbers were evil. Others bareable.
Only a few were good.

So I started implementing these numbers in my daily life.
How many pieces of bread I could eat.
How many times a day I was allowed to go to the toilet.
How many times I had to shower and clean the house.
And if something, ANYTHING, in my routine wouldn’t go according to plan, I would throw away everything in my fridge or the clothes I was wearing at that moment.
And I could start from scratch.

This had a huge effect on my mental and physical state, but also financially.
Some times I would buy 5 of the exact same pants and shirts, because I knew I would have to throw them away after each workday.
Not to mention how extremely time and energy consuming it is.

We need to raise awareness, yes.
But how on earth can you explain this phenomenon?
And even worse, the reasons behind it.
Because you heard a certain word, song or number that triggered you and made you do all that.

OCD doesn’t only affect you, but also those around you.
I have often told Jasper that I would understand if he’d seek an easier life, without me.
I believe in love, but life also has to be bearable.
The fact that he is still with me, means a lot.

And this year I finally gave in to seek medical help.
The doctor’s appointment were not a huge success, because the man just told me “smiling is not a crime, you know?”.
I would sit through those sessions only because I knew the reward: medication.

I started off with medication that helped immediately.
That awesome feeling of numbness came back again.
But I could enjoy these only for a month because it was too easy to get addicted to them.

The next medication took longer to get used to.
2 months of constant nausea finally were worth it when I felt myself getting calmer.
My emotions were more in balance.
Jasper did say he missed me laughing, so the pills did not only take away the bad emotions, unfortunately.

I have accepted that I won’t be able to have a life without medication.
And I know my OCD  will never completely dissappear.
I still clean, count and throw stuff away.
But it’s less. Way less.

I try to stay aware for OCD signs of those around me.
When a colleague said “Let me just put this pen back where it belongs. My OCD, you know?”, I took it a bit too serious
I was on the verge of sharing my story.
But I noticed quickly that he doesn’t have OCD, but just cleans up after himself.

Do you have OCD?
Have you tried medication? And is it working?

Do you have your OCD radar on for those around you?

Has anyone ever told you about their OCD? What was your reaction?


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Me & my Skeptical Heart

13 replies

  1. You have spoken about your OCD in the past, but it seems like every time I read about it, I realize how much worse it is than I previously thought.

    People incorrectly label themselves all the time. However, I believe there are different types of OCD and different levels. Maybe it’s just the way I was brought up, or maybe I do have a mild case of OCD. I am obsessed with symmetry. My partner checks the doors at night and when leaving the house a million times. We both have intrusive, obsessive thoughts. We both like to minimize this, because it does not affect us nearly as it seems to affect you. However, we definitely clearly see it in each other. Things are put in perspective when you compare one person with everyone else.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I read indeed that there are several types of OCD. I never really read a story like mine though, so I find it hard get a lot of comfort from others.

      Often you’d hear the checking indeed, or thinking that something might happen with the ones you love.
      Those type of thoughts barely ever cross my mind.

      I have been observing Jasper. I was a bit afraid that he would somehow get OCD too because I am busy with it everyday. But luckily nothing.

      As long as you don’t feel the need for medication, don’t. I used be against pills, but now I realize life is impossible without them.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It must be annoying to have someone who is only slightly obsessed (if at all) refer to their OCD. If I have any of that, it’s extremely mild. I identify with a T-shirt I saw recently; “I have OCD and ADD. Everything has to be perfect, but just for a little while.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that people don’t realize that if I am annoyed by something I would get out of bed at midnight and fix whatever needs to be fixed.
      If that takes hours, so be it.

      The text on the T shirt makes so much sense. I wish more people would understand the concept.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I take setraline too. I actually feel a massive difference.
      So sorry it doesn’t work for you.
      What was your dossage? I take 200 mg
      Have you tried any other medication?

      I was just reading your post. I also struggled with religious OCD and I had no choice than to take a step away from religion, which offended my parents.
      The world is far from understanding OCD sadly!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m so glad it works for you! I actually can’t remember my dose, it was so long ago now. I’m unfortunately unable to take any antidepressant medication anymore and I don’t know of other medications which can treat it.

        I’m so sorry about your parents, we really do need more understanding


      2. On the subject of religious OCD: When I read about Jesus’ run-ins with the Pharisees, it seems to me the Pharisees were OCD about their religion – following the laws, and their traditions (which God never demanded) so that they could feel superior to everyone else.
        Jesus didn’t come to bring more religion, He came to bring grace and set us free.
        I wish we could appreciate the different gifts and personalities that people have to offer the Church. No, we are not all alike, but that’s what makes the Body of Christ so beautiful. No one should feel compelled to be just like someone else. “If two people are exactly alike, one of them is unnecessary.”
        I hope that although you have taken a step away from religion, you will take a step toward Jesus and realize that He loves you the way He created you, and He has a plan for your life that is like no other.


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